Reflections upon the occasion of my growing old

I have realized of late that, sometime when I wasn't paying attention, I grew old. Not old in the grey hair and ancient wisdom sense of the word. Heavens no. I am only 23, after all. What I mean is that I have somehow become not-a-child. No one asked me if I wanted this. It just was. Just is.

I have long passed the age when people look at your foolish mistakes, laugh, shake their heads and say "Ah well, she's just a kid. She'll learn." The practice round is over, and I am being tried as an adult in the court of public opinion, where failure is sometimes a felony, justice is subjective, and the jury is often cruel.

My peers have scattered. They are no longer flocks of young fledglings, huddling with each other for safety, as they test their wings. They are wives and husbands, fathers and mothers, laborers, young professionals and vagrants. Many of them are happy, and still many more have made decisions they will regret for the rest of their lives.

Upon reflection, I am, as a whole, satisfied with the change. Like a good book, the first chapter was endearing enough, as it drew me into the story, but now that I know how the next chapter begins, I cannot go back. I have taken my heart out of its little locked cupboard more often, and it has been battered a bit as a result, but I have found that in the end it is better to have the bittersweet, than no taste at all. The bitter will fade, but the sweetness lingers.

I have discovered happiness to be a better friend than a lover. When it is free to come and go as it pleases, unforced, and unfettered; visiting whomever it likes, whenever it likes, it is treasured for its absences.

I don't like the idea of sky-diving or bungee jumping. Falling only frightens me, without any thrill. I've never been one to have a bucket list. Life is interesting enough as it comes. But there are several things I want to be before I turn 30, and here they are:

I want to...
Love my job. I do not want to put off living each day until I've clocked out.
Become a Big Sister in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program. I've wanted to do this for years, but have never been geographically stable enough to commit to it.
Be growing. I never want to stop.
Keep my heart wide open.
Climb another mountain.
Be done with school for good.
Not be lonely.

I guess I'll check back in a few years from now and see how it all turned out, because if being "old" has taught me one thing, it's taught me that life rarely works out as I planned.

Age 5